A Non-Jew’s Guide to Attending Shiva

Shiva is the Hebrew word for seven, as in the seven days after burial. It is often referred to as “sitting shiva,” because during this time, the mourners are encouraged to sit at home. The mourners are not obligated to do any of the typical tasks of hosting. Instead, friends and loved ones care for the mourners so that they may focus on their grief. 

Making a condolence or shiva call refers to the visitors who visit the mourners. This sacred task is a powerful way to acknowledge the death, to show care and to provide support.

People from all faiths are welcome to make a shiva call and to provide comfort to mourners during this time. 

Loved ones gather each day of shiva to offer comfort, to say prayers, and to share memories of the person who has died. Traditionally, people sit shiva for a parent, sibling, child, or spouse, though there may be other loved ones including grandparents, aunts and uncles, or close friends where sitting shiva feels like the appropriate way to process grief.

Often, the door of the home will be open for visitors to enter without knocking. Come in and have a seat. It is customary to wait for mourners to speak first, so silence and a shared smile is generally welcome. All these traditions help remove the obligation for the mourner to feel like a host.

You might notice that mirrors are covered, and the mourners sit on couches or chairs without cushions. Covering mirrors represents the removal of vanity and self-focus during a time of grief, while the low seating symbolizes their low spirits or discomfort with their grief. Customs include wearing a torn shirt or ribbon over the heart, as a physical symbol of the grief felt by the mourners. Some mourners wear only socks or slippers, as leather shoes were once considered a luxury not suited for a period of mourning.

Thirty minutes to an hour is respectful. Be sure to only visit during the hours shared if specific hours have been designated for visitors.

You can help around the house by offering to clean-up from each day of gathering. Families often need help with tasks like running errands, driving visiting relatives to or from the airport, taking out the trash, and restocking household items like tissues. 

If the mourners have created a Shiva Circle page, or if they have a Shiva Guide helping the family, consult with them to find out how you can help the mourners during shiva. 

Families may set specific visiting hours for guests to come to the home, which may be listed on their Shiva Circle page or in the funeral announcement or obituary. Be sure to follow these set times to honor the family's grieving process and respect the family’s wishes.

As a visitor, your role is to acknowledge and validate the feelings of the mourners. Avoid trying to cheer up the mourners or distract them from their grief, as shiva is a time designed for experiencing the pain of loss. Shiva provides a space for the community to come together and help the family navigate this difficult time.

Instead of flowers, which Jewish custom associates with celebrations, consider bringing food, a book about mourning or grief, or making a donation to a charity that is meaningful to the person who died or their family.

During shiva, the mourning family is encouraged to focus entirely on their grief and refrain from work, including food preparation. Bringing ready-to-eat food, such as cookies, nuts, soups, or salads, or freezer-friendly items, is a thoughtful gesture that helps support the family during this difficult time.  

While there is no specific dress code for visiting a family observing shiva, given the somber atmosphere, conservative attire is generally best. The focus is on supporting the grieving family, so clothing should be respectful and not draw attention or cause offense.

Yes, but if you’re calling or texting someone who’s mourning, remember that they might not answer or call back right away. Your patience and understanding will go a long way. 

Shiva Circle is a project of Shomer Collective, a space for talking about death, Jewishly. Visit Shomer Collective’s Resource Page to learn more about preparing for end of life, grief and more.